One of those days.....

I guess you could say I'm "having one of those days" - a day where you want to cry a few tears.  There are several moments here lately where the thought of having another baby crosses my mind.  Being completely honest - there are a lot of those moments.  I'm not getting any younger and Beau's getting older but as they say, all your ducks need to be in a row first.  There are a few things that need to be in order before taking such a huge leap, but on top of that there is always that underlying fear of "what if"?  What if, we got pregnant again and the baby had the same diagnosis as Beau or something even worse?  What if, we had another miscarriage and another partial molar pregnancy? 

So far we've had two pregnancies.  Our first was our wonderful Beau.  The labor was smooth, but the delivery was scary and Beau was in the NICU for a week.  Seventeen months later came the diagnosis.  In between that time, a second pregnancy.  This one ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks as well as it being a partial molar pregnancy.  The molar pregnancy was scary, resulted in two D & C's in one week and blood tests for almost a year to clear any chance of cancer in the uterus.  Deep breath......so you can see why there might be some nervousness but yet a strong desire to have a healthy "typical" child.  Please don't get me wrong, I love Beau and am so grateful for the gift God has given our family with him.  He's given us such amazing strength and inspired us to go out and do great things in our community and hopefully one day other parts of the US.  I just want to experience what a lot of other families experience - the joys and struggles of raising a typical child; a child that hasn't had more doctors visits in 3 1/2 years than any adult has ever had.  I'm so lucky for the things that Beau is able to do and I'm so lucky that he doesn't have some terminal illness.  I'm lucky that he is so loving and so charismatic.  Like any parent though, we long for more.  Because of Beau's loving personality I know he'd make a great older brother.  He'd protect a sibling and love them unconditionally because that's Beau.  I think there's a lot that a sibling would give him as well.  They would also show Beau unconditional love and protection. 

I'm lucky I have a child as there are many that can't even have that, but as selfish as it sounds I'd love to have a sibling for Beau.  I have my fears because of his diagnosis but we've had the genetic testing done (not that, that guarantees anything) but we would be going at this for the most part, informed.  Hopefully it will be our turn in the near future.

Beau taking baby for a ride!