A Journal in the Attic

While cleaning out our attic last weekend, I came across an old journal in one of the boxes.  The journal had only one entry in it and it was dated January 2, 2009.  Journals are a very private thing and should only be for the author to read, but this is one entry I am willing to share.  This falls into the period of my life before Beau's diagnosis:

Friday January 2, 2009,

I'm sitting here writing as Beau is taking his bath.  It's amazing how fast he's growing.  I can't believe that next month he'll be one already - amazing!  I worry because he's delayed with a lot.  He won't hold his own bottle, he can't crawl, he babbles a lot but no consistent mama or dada.  I'm just scared because I see all of these babies around us and they're so much more advanced than Beau.  I feel I'm not being a good mom - that I should be working with him more to help him become more advanced.  I feel like I need an instructor to tell me how.

There are times when I think back and I remember those moments during his first 17 months before he was diagnosed.  As a first time parent I wasn't really sure, at the time, if I just didn't know what I was doing or if there was something genuinely wrong.  I guess all along I had a pretty good gut feeling but when the doctors couldn't give me an answer it was just pushed off as "he's a boy - boy's develop slower than girls"....."he's a chunky boy, that's why he can't roll over, sit up, crawl..."  

Six years later, another child, and I now know how much different raising a typically developing child can be.  We have both ends of the spectrum in our house.  There are rewarding moments with both children and it has given me such a unique perspective and different outlook on life.  Finding this journal took me back to a period in my life that in some ways was perplexing and in other ways was bliss.  At that time I may have been concerned about his development, but I didn't have the fear of seizures; I didn't know that 6 years later he still wouldn't be talking or that he'd still be in diapers. 

Today at least we know what we're dealing with and we are stronger than we ever imagined.  Even better, Beau eventually did those things he wasn't doing when I wrote that journal entry; he crawled, he held his own cup, he consistently says mama and dada (music to our ears) he walks and he can even run (albeit it's a little like a drunk person) but nonetheless it's a run! Sweet Beau has been through so much since January 2, 2009 and his strength amazes me - he is my hero.

"I believe that to nurture my soul and fulfill my soul's purpose, I must learn from every event in my life, I must come to realize that every experience has within it a seed of tremendous gift."

Author: unknown