Mixed emotions.....

Any day now our second child is due to arrive and I am filled with so many emotions.  Obviously I am excited to meet my daughter but I have so many other emotions that are taking over.  Having had such a bad/scary experience with the birth of Beau, I am terrified of the "what ifs" with this upcoming delivery.  I have the strep "B" again this time and there is no way to know how much of what occurred with Beau at delivery was related to the strep "B" I had then as well, or the meconium or the brain abnormality.  When he came out he wasn't breathing, they had to perform CPR on him and he spent a week in the NICU, having a spinal tap and many other pokes and prods.  The doctor has stressed the importance of me getting to the hospital right away so that they can give me as many doses of IV antibiotics as possible prior to the baby being born.  I just know that I can't go through what we witnessed with Beau again.  You're supposed to hear your child cry and scream and kick like crazy when they come out - you aren't supposed to hear nothing, or only hear the sound of alarms going off. 

I am also concerned about her overall health.  What if she has the same problem as Beau?  It's crazy thoughts I know but it seems like a perfectly normal concern to me.  Of course it wouldn't change anything about how much we love her, but it still terrifies me.  We have already spoken with the pediatrician and they have agreed to order an ultrasound of her head once she arrives so that we can see her beautiful brain and know that everything is all there and complete.  We'd prefer not to have any surprises this time around. 

I guess I'm writing this because it makes me feel better to admit that I am terrified and need as many prayers as I can get.  I know I've been praying a lot here lately and I can only hope the prayers have been heard.